Thursday, February 16, 2006

This came out in The New York Times a year or two ago but it's amazing how true it still is....

Decoding the Bureau

by Andy Borowitz

From: Director, CIA
To: All CIA Employees

In the weeks and months ahead, some of you may find yourselves talking to FBI employees for the first time. To prevent possible errors in communication, here is a guide to common FBI phrases, complete with their English-language translations:

FBI: We have noticed "increased chatter" in recent weeks.
Translation: We've been intercepting conversations that could be useful if someone here knew Arabic.

FBI: We are making technological improvements at headquarters.
Translation: We now have call-waiting.

FBI: We are committed to making real changes in the way we conduct our business.
Translation: Ever since Coleen Rowley started singing to Congress, we've actually had to read the junk we used to leave in our In-Boxes.

FBI: Here is a list of suspects for you to track.
Translation: This ought to keep you busy while we look for the suspects on the real list, which is safe in our files.

FBI: I am studying the document you shared with me.
Translation: I've been trying to open your e-mail attachment for two days. Are you guys on PCs or MACs?

FBI: We both have the same goal.
Translation: If we put our heads together, I'll bet we can shift the blame to the Bureau of Labor Statistics and the National Park Service.

FBI: Please get back to me at your earliest convenience.
Translation: There is an excellent chance that you or I will be forced to resign by the end of the day.

FBI: Please share this document on a need-to-know basis only.
Translation: If you leak this one to Time, we'll leak the next one to Newsweek.

You can see more of this kind of thing at Andy Borowitz's website-- The Borowitz Report.

The sad thing about this is that it continues to represent current concerns and would still would work pretty well even if you switched the organizations' names around.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

I was up on Capitol Hill the other day and had a good chuckle at something I saw as I was walking by Dennis Kucinich's office and saw a big framed poster saying the following:

1. Polka
2. Bowling
3. Kielbasa

I'm not sure I'd want this guy as president, but you got to admit that he's got a sense of humor....